Living With HIV and Being Thankful

November 14, 2009

There are times misfortune comes inside our lives. For us living in the HIV community it is hearing about our positive diagnosis. It could have been worse like dying on the spot in a car accident. After being diagnosed, some turn to drugs, illicit sex etc, but in the midst of all this the word of God says we should be thankful.

How many of us rediscover ourselves after being diagnosed with HIV? I have and I am thankful to God for giving me this opportunity. Before being diagnosed I was a God-fearing, kind-hearted and never-say-no person. These attitudes gave me a lot of friends and so I was never lonely. In the first two years after diagnosis I lost all of these friends and I went into depression. When the burden got too much for me I cried out to God inside my heart via a prayer.

The Reason I Am Thankful

In the past year and three months while building my one-and-one relationship with God I have rediscovered myself. In my discovery I learned to love myself, about God’s love for us, about this disease that is living inside of my body, personal finance, Internet marketing and personal growth.

I am thankful for the transformation that God has brought inside my life and the persons he placed to help me to achieve it. Special mention to the following:

Cherryl Hanson-Simpson – Financial Advisor

Pastor Jacqueline Cousins – EstDeb Ministries

Paulette Wolfin – Former Employer

Amila Gbenga Segun – Friend

These individuals have contributed positively to my life and because of this I am thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to be among them.

So in closing I would like to say never look at the valleys that seem uncrossable, just remember to be thankful because in the midst of it all God is carrying you and He has a purpose for you; hence the story Footprints in the Sand.

Ephesians 5:20  Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Blessings

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Posted by ksurrina

Disappointments and Goals

November 14, 2009

We all have our various disappointments. Some we overcome while others we allow to consume us. But if we take what Paul said in 2 Corinthians then we know that we are in this world not to give up but to preserve.

I have had my share of disappointments; one of them allowed me to realize how fragile we are in the HIV community and if we are not careful we will give what we don’t have. With me it was my time and neglecting this blog along with my offline responsibilities.

This experience has taught me so much. One lesson that stands out is “No matter who comes inside my life, my goals and aspirations should remain the same and I must not be deterred from achieving them”. The Word of God says “who can separate us from His Love?” I now say “Who can separate me from achieving my goals?” and my answer is – no one.

No matter what comes inside our lives whether it is HIV, cancer or a bad relationship we should press on, brush ourselves off, and trust in God; he is there. For the past couple of weeks I have refocused and since then my self confidence has been rebuilt so much that I am feeling as if I am 18 yrs again.

So my readers I am sorry for neglecting you. Now remember, set your goals and no matter what comes in your way put your hand in the hands of Jesus Christ and it shall be well.

Blessings

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Posted by ksurrina

Overcoming Depression

September 28, 2009

It was a cool Thursday evening in May of 2004 when I had my last full belly-cramping laughter. I can still remember it vividly – it happened at the family home when my mother was alive and well. Actually it was what Mama said that evening which caused this bout of laughter.

Shortly afterwards, she broke her feet and was admitted in the hospital where she later died. My depression started instantly, as Mama was my best friend. I found out that I was HIV positive nearly two years after her death and I remained in depression. I was prescribed an anti-depressant which I never took.

During this stage I contemplated taking my life but I used the Word of God against the enemy. Depression is not of God – happiness, peace and love is what God wants for all of us. Depression is a dark world that no one should be in.

From September 2006 to July 2008, I lost everything and being so depressed with no one to help me, I was frustrated. One Tuesday in August of 2008 I turned to God pouring my heart to him asking Him please to assist me in gaining employment. My prayer was answered a couple of hours later.

At my new place of employment there is weekly devotion. God not only provided me with a job but He sent me to a place where I will learn about him and re-gain my self confidence. I recommitted my life to God and I have not regretted doing so. Whenever I look in the mirror I am amazed at what God has done for me and so I am always giving Him all the praise and thanks. I am not only thankful to him but to those He sent inside my life to help me grow. God is Awesome.

We all go through our bouts of depression. It has been inside this world from biblical days, but it is how we work to remove it from our life that is important. In 1 Samuel Chapter 1 we saw where Hannah was in depression when she was unable to conceive. She overcame it when she learned to trust God. There is nothing too big for God to do; seek his face and leave your problems in his capable hands.

God has never left us but we sometimes leave Him; but just like the prodigal son we can go back home. Open your heart to Him; He will do what you are depending on the medication to do for you. Just transfer your faith to God.

No matter what the circumstances, God will do it for you once you learn to believe, trust and have faith in Him. Hannah was able to conceive when she practiced these three. I challenge you to read this wonderful story and when you pray ask God to give you the Spirit of Hannah.

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, YOU are worthy to be praised. There is no God like you. Your Glory shines and your wonders are plentiful. As I come in your presence Heavenly Father I ask you to remove this spirit of depression from my life. I know this is not of you because you are God of Love, Peace and Happiness. I believe that my change has come and that through my faith I am delivered.

Thank you for your Grace and Mercy for the blood that was shed on Calvary. All these I ask through Jesus Christ. Amen

I leave Psalm 42:5 and Psalm 46:1 with you. Read and pray believing that your change has come.

God Bless and Keep You.

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Perservance and Determination Is The Key

August 24, 2009

The just concluded 12th IAAF World Championship showed us what perservance and determination is all about from a Jamaican perspective.

I grew up seeing Merlene Ottey, Juliet Cuthbert, Grace Jackson-Small and Winthrop Graham to name a few, competing and making us proud on the World Athletics stage. Even though we knew that Jamaica should be in the Top 5 it never happened at that time. The experts and sports enthusiasts wondered and pondered why. With all the success of our previous athletes at these meets we would come away with a 8th or 10th spot.

Even at the age of 12 I knew that these athletic meets were full of performance enhancement athletes and hence the ones who were running clean were unable to get their just rewards.

I am writing this to show us in the HIV community if we apply these two ingredients, perseverance and determination, as the Jamaicans have done, then we can make it. We all can be a Merlene Ottey and an Asafa Powell in our own little ways.

Merlene Ottey

We affectionately called her our Bronze Queen. Each time she ran a race it was done with grace and poise even when they cheated her. How can we apply this in our life as HIV-infected persons? Each time you are taking the medication don’t see it as a negative. Take the medication with love and understanding. Instead of saying “Time for the dreaded pills’ say “It is time for my vitamins.”

You will be surprised to see the difference in your body’s reactions. Remember your mind is a powerful tool and the message you send there is what will be forwarded to the rest of the body’s members.

Asafa Powell

He is affectionately called the Sprint Prince but for me he is the Sprint King. Asafa has never won an individual Gold medal but he is the first person to take the 100m World Record to this small island Jamaica. Other Jamaicans had it before, but not under the Jamaican Flag.

Asafa’s humility and persevering attitude as a team player is what stands out the most to me. He is always there when he is needed and never backs down even when negatives are spurted at him. By adopting this attitude we will fight self discrimination. You never hear Asafa talking negative, neither does he apply excuses if he doesn’t achieve his goal. If we want to live a long and fulfilled life living with HIV then we have to forget the negatives and stop the excuses.

HIV/AIDS discrimination has changed over the years just as how athletics has. It has now becoming a cleaner sport and its credibility is now creeping back thanks to those athletes that have maintained a performance enhancement drug-free life. The fight against self-discrimination can be stopped as well if we are determined to put aside the negatives that we build around HIV/AIDS in our lives.

Join a support group either in your country or online. Think positively and always remember to LOVE yourself because no one can LOVE you the way you do.

Congratulations to the Jamaican contingent to the 2009 Athletics World Championship; once again you make me very proud to be a Jamaican.

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Posted by ksurrina

Just Being Diagnosed With HIV

July 17, 2009

You were asked to do several blood tests, one of them an HIV/AIDS test. You were not worried about this test because you knew you were practicing safe sex and so this was not a concern.  One week after doing these tests you received a call from your doctor’s office asking you to visit because the results were in.

While sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for your name to be called some nervous jitters came along but still you pushed them away. Then it was your turn and you went in with a nervous smile. The doctor smiled and did his customary courtesies, then he told you ‘I am sorry to tell you but your HIV/AIDS test result shows that you are positive’.

You were bewildered and shocked, and then the tears came.

I am here to tell you not to stress yourself – there is life after the diagnosis. It is not having the disease but what happens next after being told about your status. Depression will not help you; it only takes off months or years from your life. When you come out of it, then you will see the mess that you have made of your life, not the disease.

Here is my advice:

Education

Get yourself educated about this disease; forget about what you had heard before whether it be negative or positive. Search the internet, there are tons of information sites. One good website is www.thebody.com where there are online doctors you can talk with or you can participate in their forum.

Medication

Abide to the instructions of your doctors. Always take your medications on time, eat healthy and exercise. If you are living in a country where the medications are not free then talk with members in the HIV/AIDS community to see where you can get the cheapest price. Don’t allow pride to stop you from shopping for this.

Socialization

Join HIV chat rooms my favorite is STARCHAT or your country/community support groups. Don’t be afraid to talk about your status- this is how you will become comfortable with it. In doing this you are also helping others to fight against discrimination.

Religion

Try and build a relationship with your God if you don’t have one; if you already have one, then draw closer to him. I have come to depend on Him and realize that without Him in my life I would still be lost.

Personal Finance

Continue to seek your financial freedom don’t give up on achieving it. If you have not started then this is the perfect opportunity to look into your life and begin. There are numerous sites that speak about this but my favorite is www.financiallysmartadvice.com. This site as helped me to see the wrongs I had made in the past and now I have started to make things right.

Start with a budget and don’t forget the 10% rule in savings no matter how small it is put aside something for that emergency day. I said emergency because with us it is not the disease but the various complications, so we have to prepare for them especially if there is no life insurance.

Take heart and trust in God. Remember it is not the end of your life to be diagnosed with HIV/AIDS but it will be if you allow it to consume you.

Blessings

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Posted by ksurrina

Support And You

May 10, 2009

On Wednesday April 15, I celebrated my 33rd birthday. Upon awakening I gave thanks to the Heavenly Father for giving me the breath of life. Then I took a moment of reflection, remembering my mother and visualizing my past birthdays when she was here wishing me a happy birthday. After a few minutes I started preparing for the day’s work.

Couple hours later the valley’s started lol. Yes I said valley’s because you know that when the devil see you happy he throws something in your way.  An email was forwarded to me from two members of my relatives, so  I send an email advising them to desist from sending these chain emails because I don’t like them. To my great surprise I was told that at this time in my life I need support and instead of embracing this I am pushing them away lol.

Family/Relatives Support

What is family/relatives support when before you were diagnosed with any critical illness they were not around so why now. Should I open my arms for hypocritical family support or continue living my life as before? I hop for the latter. Being diagnosed with HIV doesn’t mean that I should be a burden to anyone. I wasn’t before and I am not going to start now.

God’s Love and Plan

Before anything happen to us God has prepared what He had in store  for us.  1 Corinthians 10vs13  states No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it . (NIV)  Once we starts to believe God’s words and applying them to our heart then we will not accept gratitudes that are not genuine.

Yes I love my relatives but loving someone does not means that your eyes should be closed to the realities of life.  Remember there is nothing wrong in seeking support because no one is an island but make sure that this support will strengthen you and not add to your problems. Be strong and never leave God out of your plannings. When that voice says you can’t rebuke it and say with God nothing is impossible.

Blessings


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Posted by ksurrina

Testing and Trials

April 7, 2009

On Thursday April 2,  I received a phone call that my ex-boyfriend had been chopped and taken to the hospital. I started crying after receiving this call. I cried not because I am still in love with him but because I know that he had not accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. I cried because I also know that he is not taking his medication as prescribed and so would be unable to fight for his life.

My friends in the office tried to encourage me to visit the hospital and to do my Christian duties. So I went to the bus stop. After being there for a while unable to get a bus I returned to the office. Then and there I started to reflect at the life he lives. I knew that if I went to that hospital I would drawn back there and so I began working again.

After a couple of minutes my phone rang again. It was him calling me telling me that he was at the hospital. I asked him what had happened, he disclosed that he was in a bar and a dispute between him and another took place and the man used a drinking glass to chop him in his head. He said that the doctor told him if he had spent one more minute he would have died.

Does he see this one minute as God’s grace and mercy for him to repent and ask God to enter into his life? I don’t know because I have not asked him, however I have seen this incident as a way of strengthening my life with God. Yes the devil had opened a trap for me to walk into but because of God’s Grace I was able to walk around it and out of it.

How many of us see where the Lord has taken us from but allow the devil to bring us back? How many of us have prophecy being spoken into our lives but never allow it to fulfill because we say that God’s time is too long? I know that this event was a test for me and I am glad that I was able to go around it. On Tuesday March 31 in our weekly devotion the Holy Spirit of God asked me “Where Are You?” through the prophetess. I knew that this was one of my tests. At the time I was confused not knowing how to answer and finding excuses.

I never understood what was being asked but I began to seek God’s face, searching my heart for the meaning of these words. After seeing this test and how I maneuvered through it, my heart is light. I can truly attest that no one can ever go to God and be the same again.

Thank you Heavenly Father for being the patient and forgiving God you are. You are awesome and worthy to be praised.

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Posted by ksurrina

Medication and Loneliness

March 13, 2009

Praise be to God so the worst has passed and we are still among the living. You were told that the next step is medication however you were warned to eat healthy, exercise and never stop taking the meds because it is your life support. Did you heed to this warning or you did what my ex does?

For two years he drunk and smoked which kept his CD4 on the lowest possible point not caring about the effect that this was having on me. As soon as his body looks healthy he is in the bar drinking and smoking as if these were going out of fashion and I at home worried about him and my business was deteriorating. My greatest fear was “Am I going to see my body going through spasm as his?”.

So on one of my visits at the clinic I questioned my doctor and was told that his body was reacting to the irregularity of medication and the substance abuse. Then and there I realized that we can be as healthy as a person who is tested negative once we abide to our doctors’ advice.

How many of us are abiding to the advice of not mixing alcohol with our medication. Is it that when Friday comes and loneliness creeps in you turn to the bottle or the cigarette putting yourself in a drunken stupor just to last out the week-end.

I don’t drink neither do I smoke, when my loneliness takes me I go to my favourite chatroom or my favourite social networking site mylot. If  I am not consoled here then I will loose myself in work. Loneliness is not happiness but slowly killing yourself is not the answer either. I discovered what loneliness can do to someone a couple days ago but still it does not allow you to make wrong decisions that will either kill you or leave a life dent on your character.

So my friends the next time alcohol or cigarette come across your mind just visualize your life support which is the medication and be strong.

A healthy body is better than one which is cast aside in an hospital bed with no attendant around to give you a glass of cold coconut water.

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Posted by ksurrina

Laughing and Loving It

March 6, 2009

Here I am looking back and cannot believe that I was able to walk away after giving my all in a relationship which lasted for five years and 6 months. Wondering what accomplishment I have to show for it and my answer is nothing worthwhile. Instead I have experienced pain and despair. So the question is “Am I happy?” Yes I am.

I look into the mirror and said ‘Damn Ksurrina welcome back’. I am living again thanks to God and with all these strangers that have come into my life who are now my friends.

They said that laughter is the best medicine in life and I can tell you that it is true, I am now lighter, my face is now happier and I feel like a new person inside an old body and it feels great and I am ecstatic.

Yes I have stopped worrying, I have stopped thinking about my ex and his problems. I started to believe in God and I placed all my worries in His capable hands. I have never felt this way in the past five years. I am now looking towards my 33rd birthday with enthusiasm because I have a Savior who is my friend and brother who told us that whatever we ask the Father in his name it shall be given. Yes whatever we ask in Jesus’ name we will receive according to his wishes in Glory.

And so my friends whatever you are going through don’t forget to place it in God hands and start laughing again. Be free to let go, just take sometime from the disease. Think not of what others will stay if you disclose just think on how to be yourself again. You will be so happy to find that inner you. I know that I am glad that I have.

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine but a broken spirit dries up the bone. Proverbs 17:22

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REFLECTION

February 17, 2009

Do you reflect on your life from birth to where you are now? Do you give thanks to God for bringing you through? I do.

Birth Stage

When I was born my parents told me that I weight 3 ½ lb that’s chicken weight. Can you imagine holding a baby at this stage? Heck I am afraid of holding a 8lb baby much less a 3 1/2lb baby.

I am thankful for surviving this birth and for all the prayers that was sent up for me.

Teenage Stage

I had a couple of bumpy rides. I didn’t pass the examination that enables one to attend a prestigious High School, so I was sent to a Secondary School. Having attended this school and my mother is the reason I am a fighter. Here teachers help their students who show potential. I was given the necessary assistance that enables me never to stop from school because of lack of funds.

These teachers took me under their wings and molded me so that I could build the necessary self esteem to work towards my goals. While attending school my goal was to become a Teacher or an Entrepreneur. I discussed this with my teachers and they told me the subjects that I should peruse which I did. I worked on my weak area which was Mathematics and passed it. I was given a career choice and I chose Secretarial Studies. I graduated at the top of this class and made my mother and teachers proud. But the proudest moment for me was when the graduation class gave me a standing Ovation.

I am thankful to God for allowing these persons to help mold my life in a positive way.

Working Experience

I started working one month after graduation. My mother, bless her soul wanted to send me to a technical High School but I had to face the reality that she couldn’t afford it and so I started to work instead. I did various jobs in the first year of graduation until I was given a permanent one in the field of Data Entry. I virtually taught myself this job. I went to work early and left late until I became the no. 1 typist on my floor. After a year of doing this my supervisor sent me to a Government Ministry where I received a job as a Clerk/Typist.

While working there I was inspired to attend evening school and started saving towards my goal of attending Teacher’s College. At this workplace there were old and young attending evening classes or studying at the University and I was marveled at this. Hence my determination began of achieving my goal.

God I thank you for placing persons in my life to encourage me a little bit further.

College Life

I started college and was very enthusiastic as I saw myself reaching closer to my dreams. I knew that this was the beginning and I had three years before me. Then I became ill two months in attendance. This sickness took away four years of my life and I am still baffled at what happen because up until this day the doctors cannot diagnose what was the caused of my illness at that time.

I am thankful for the girls who where in the bathroom at the time when I fainted, if they were not there I would not be alive today.

God I worship you and thank you for appointing Angels over my life. I could have died but you had other plans for me.

Adult Life

So I showed the devil that he has no control over my life and fought that sickness with the help of God and in doing this I re-entered the working world once more. I started working and saving again because I told myself that my dream is to become a teacher and I know I can make it. I received a job as a Customer Service Representative and from there as a Branch Manager for a Wholesale Store. It was at the latter job that I became involved with the guy who infected me. I lost my mother and found out that I have this disease and went into depression.

Was I alone? At this moment I thought that God had abandoned me but he never did. It was in May ’08 my younger sister and her husband gave me a Laptop and I was there surfing the Internet searching for jobs but couldn’t find any. Then one Tuesday morning I poured out my heart to God.

He answered me by giving me a job with a Christian lady. It is at this job I reunited myself with God and built back my self confidence and I am happy to say that I am still here working and learning new things each day. I am still looking towards becoming a Teacher and working with HIV/AIDS infected and affected children.

In life things happen to us but in the midst of it all we should always reflect at where we are and the blessings that God has bestowed on us. Yes we go through valleys but it is through these valleys in our lives that we see the hands of God and should at all times be thankful.

My Prayer

I am thankful heavenly Father for all the persons who have touched my life in a positive way. Some of them have passed on and I pray that they will have a place in your wonderful Kingdom. Those that are living Heavenly Father, I pray that you bless and protect them with your divine mercy. Let them be prosperous in whatever they do in his/her life. Thank you for the blood of Jesus Christ and for being the merciful and forgiving God that you are. Through Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour .
Amen

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Posted by ksurrina

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